Dear Eugene,

Dear Eugene, I am writing this here because I don't have any better way to communicate that you will hear and understand. We have been together for nearly 24 years. That is a long time. I imagine that folks that have been together as long as we have find a pattern of life that is familiar. Like the people you told me about when we were dating. You know the ones, the old couple that were to gether and didn't need to talk to communicate their thoughts, they just seemed to know. Well, I wonder if you knew these people if you would find that the silence was born out of frustration. I wonder if they had grown so tired of trying to talk to each other that ignoring one another was a better option. The silence was peace and the quiet represented a respite from an otherwise horrible storm. I find these days that my hope of being married to a man that loves and cares and is interested in my life, has truned into a gray hopelessness. I have been shown the horror of abuse and neglect. It is what I was accustomed to growing up. I remember the angry tirades that my dad went into, then the trip to the ER for a shot. Then the apology around the dinner table. The pattern of emotional and physical abuse is a way of life that I despise above every other horrible thing in this world. Unfortunately it is all we know. You see, we have been doing the same thing in our relationship for the last 24 years. The fight, the accusations, the bitterness and the anger. The yelling and the name calling, the lack of trust that has grown and the fear. The massive, out of purportion, huge, all encompassing fear. It has kept me hostage and has destroyed my sense of self. Fear has been my constant companion and my protecotor. It has kept the boogey man from attacking my heart and making me hurt again. The fear isn't keeping you from abusing me. It isn't keeping you from yelling at me for no reason. It isn't stopping you from calling me filthy names and making accusations that are completely unfounded. Fear isn't stoping you from abusing me. You know what the worst part of the cycle is? The honeymoon phase. You kow the time when you apologize and get all cheery and nice. When you say thank you and please, help with the dishes and pick up after yourself? Then there is the sex. I know now that it is only a matter of a week or so after that, that you will start to get tense and cranky and then after a week of that the explosion happens. Well it only took a day to get it going this time. I have tried to detach, hide in the bathroom, go for a walk, sleep at a hotel. I tried to break the cycle. But it had to complete for you. Doors were broken down, you followed me, and screaming the whole time. I understand that you don't do it on purpose. I understand that you grew up in a pretty sick environment. So did I. You learned all of this from your parents, me too. You are not to blame. Our job now is to stop the cycle. Find a way out. It hurts me, and our kids. How much I can't measure. No one can change the past, we can only focus on the future. On what we want. Our life and our happiness and our marriage depends on it. I believe the 12 steps hold some of the answers, because the root of our problems lie in a bottle of booze, In a joint, a muchroom, in mteth and perscription medication. Find a path that works, keep at it. I need you to, the kids need you to, You need you to. I will be taking my own advice and work on my own issues. I promise to be tireless in this pursuit. I hope you will see clearly that we need to change. I love you, with my whole life. I am reaching for the stars here. I pray you will be too. R:-)