Kids and Other Stuff

I had a conversation with my older son last night. We haven't spoken or talked for quite a while. He has been angry at Eugene for the stuff he suffered while he was growing up. So I shared with him about Al-Anon and the disease of alcoholism.There is a family history of it on Eugene's side. My father was a drug addict. My son told me that he suffers with the same thing, which I already knew. Hopefully he will get to a meeting and get involved with the healing process. I think he will find that it wil help him be more successful in his life if he can recover from growing up in such a disfunctional home. I want to share the meditation program that I use here. I got permission from Centerpointe which is the company that produces it. It is called Holosync. The idea is that you listen to some kind of sound waves. it resembles the same brain wave patterns that you make when you meditate. I am quite resistant to change and a bit of a control freak. So getting to the different levels takes me a long time. But I believe it is working. I am feeling less and less manic depressive. I can just be a watcher of my thoughts and my life. Its so important to do that. It is where change really starts to happen. Just to watch means that the focus is on me. I learn to look deeply at myself and be open to the good, bad and the ugly. That is after all what recovery does. It show you the truth about why you are so miserable and what exactly needs to change for you to be happy. It comes with a set of CD's that have Bill Harris teaching life principles on it. He is kind of "heady" if you will, and I don't care for his personality. The things that he says, however, are good. For instance, I have heard over and over that what you focus on you create. For some reason I never could hear that and apply it to my situation. This weekend, for some reason, I heard it. not only that, I saw myself do it. I was cranky, I needed coffee. I was snarling and couldn't focus on anything but how much I hated my life, my husband the feeling of being so trapped. Eugene called me out. I was acting like an alcoholic. I couldn't see it. I said all the mean things I was thinking and thank goodness he doesn't listen anymore. But I was watching myslef. Now that doesn't mean I could change it. I didn't think my attitude was what needed changing. Then it hit me. I was focusing on what I didn't want. I was acting out the belief that I am not loveable. My parents and family drilled that into me all my life. It isn't what I want. It isn't what I work so hard for. What I want is to be loved. In order to be loved I must first be loveable. Change is a process, focusing on what I want can bring that change from the inside out. I deserve to be loved, happy and enjoying life. I'm gonna focus on that. R :-)