Rivers and Path's

I am in the River of Change. Right now the water is deep, a little cold, but relatively calm. I'm in the middle, between the banks and looking this way and that. I do see the current getting a little busier, with maybe even a waterfall ahead. Rapids are approaching. Do I ride the waves or swim to shore? People say, "go with the flow!" like it's some kind of warm, fuzzy thing to do that will bring you enlightenment. They don't tell the truth about the River. When you jump in the river, what is the experience I am looking for? Where do I focus my "floating". In the middle where the water is deep, or by the shore where it is shallow and a little warmer? The idea is that you let the River take you. There is a pool at my local community center. It has a small area they call the River Walk. It is a circle and there is a current. For people looking to improve their fitness they walk against the current, usually in the center of the circle. They have a purpose, a goal and use the river as a tool. There is a predictable pattern of resistance.That resistance creates an environment for improved strength and stamina. What if you just want to "go with the flow"? It's still measurable and consistant flow of water. My experience is that if you choose to go with the flow, you are a victim to the water. It can take you, and do to you whatever it wants. In the community river, I put this to the test. I let go, I floated without resistance. I hit the wall, hard. Bruised my shoulder and knees, and of coarse bumped my head. They weren't serious injuries, but I got the point. I wasn't any stronger for my effort in fact the opposite is true. I was wounded and a little broken. Sometimes we read these "memes". and put far too much energy into them. If you make a decision to jump into a river, or choose a path, do it with intention, purpose and a goal. There is going to be resistance. That is a good thing! Resistance makes us stronger, more aware of the pitfalls, or waterfalls if you will. I think it can make you map a coarse and decide how to navigate obstacles, rapids, trends, and water depth. Path's are different. Usually there is a map already created with all of the obstacles and pitfalls lined out for you. Choosing this way to go through life is predicatble. I didn't choose the predictable path I chose the river. I got wet, I have scars, emotional, physical and spiritual bruises. I bumped into the wall, navigated a couple of waterfalls and life has been an amazing journey. I have loved, the water engulfed me and washed me clean. I have felt excrusiating pain, when I hit the bottom of the falls. I have felt the rediculous joy of giving birth, of raising children, of seeing them succeed. Now my life is changing, I am stepping out of the river and choosing a more predictable path. At any point in time we can change how we do life, and we can change over and over again. Non of us is a victim. Things happen that we can't predict, No matter what path we take, the point is how we deal with it. We always choose.

To Friend or Not to Friend

This was written August 2nd, 2010 at 10:35am. I went walking this morning and got to thinking about how hard it is to make friends without the help of a church or a job. I am a Stay at home mom and don't really have an outlet to be friends with anyone. So I go to Starbucks on Saturday mornings to see if there is perhaps someone there to be friends with. Well first off, you have to have your head out of the crossword puzzle long enough to notice anyone and you have to speak up. Both of those things are nearly impossible for me to do. I have to force myelsf to speak out and share myself. I have gotten into trouble before whenever someone has noticed me and they were a "wolf in sheeps clothing". It hurts to be lied to, so I tend to not speak and I get super absorbed in my crossword puzzle. It isn'thelping. I am terribly lonely. I need to make friends somewhere along the way. I have tried to reconnect with old friends and that doesn't seem to do me any good. They are nice for a few emails and then say, "if you are ever in my neighborhood look me up!". What neighborhood are you in? That is when I know it is a brush off. So I am thinking about going to the Mormon church on Sunday to see if I was wrong about leaving. I really don't believe what they believe. I am not sure what I believe any more. But this much I do know they have and incredible social structure. I need social structure. So even though it has been 3 years since I was there, it was my key to sanity. Very predictable, the same everywhere and I miss that. I don't have any of that in my life. iI live with an adult child of 2 Alcoholics, so I live with the remnants of the disease. I give it a capital A because it has a capital place in my life. I ti snuts most of the time. YOu can't predicet with any amount of certainty what life will be like when they are around. This disease hates stability in any realm and relationship. Mine doesn't type, it is too predictable. He can't organize anything and he can't keep regular hours ever. So I am craving stability. Craving somekind of normalcy and the Mormon church with all it's lies is at least stable. Would it hurt me to go? I don't think so. But so much for thinking about God the way I want to! Maybe life, or God would help settle it all down. Maybe I should go to school in the fall. That would be stable. Regular class times, homework, deadlines. Reading, learning, and maybe some people I could be friends with.

Eat Pray Love

This post was early 2012. The Movie with this title is pretty popular and because I like the book better than the movie, I read the book first. I wasn't disappointed. So here are my thoughts. I have been reading the book lately, I can't put it down and yet sometimes I need to. It is the single most powerful book on healing I have read. Here is an excerpt: "Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face first and full speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the maening of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our soul, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity: it would be...a prudent insurance policy." "I'm tired of being a skeptic, I'm irritated by the spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by the empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water." It completely unhinges me how every religious person thinks they have the answer and it is their job to tell everyone else they are wrong. Mind your own business let us all find God for ourselves. Besidees isn't it the most intimate personal relationship you can have? You are NOT invited anymore. I want to think and believe all for myself. Who doesn't? I get so caught up in the thick of thin things. I am going to take some time to pull myself together and do just that. Think for myself. I do love to meditate, I love to eat, and I love to love. But how it all makes life more beautiful and peaceful and work all at the same time, I don't know yet. Maybe life isn't supposed to work. Maybe it is just supposed to be whatever it is. So do I move, do I learn, do I grow? I don't know if I am supposed to do any of those things. But I am going to because that is what makes me smile, laugh and sing. That is what makes the sun warm and the rain clean the air and the ocean `inspire and ground me all at the same time, and the desert blooms kiss my heart like a butterfly lighting on a daisy, action, movement. That is the way I want my life to be. So that is what I am going for. Is connecting to God the answer? Is that all there is to the process? "Be Still and know that I AM God!" In the meantime there will be trials, pain and heartache. Shit will happen. But I think that is part of the whole lfe experience and how unimaginative of God to be so boring not to include it. I love it. I am embracing it, just today, right now, in this very moment. Tomorrow when the rain comes who knows, all this enlightenment might fall around me. The fun part is that I can get it back again, and again and again.

Marriage Musings

I renamed this. It was originally called New Awareness. As I read it through it needed a new name. Originally posted in 2011. Now that Christmas is over, I thought I would spend some time updating my blog. I wonder if anyone really reads this tuff, which kind of gives me a freedom to express the things I don't usually share. I has taken me years to be able to put my thoughts on paper. Technology has a lot to do with that. My brain and the keyboard can get into sync and that makes it even more fun. Then there is what to write. How do I decide what to share and what to keep to myself. How do I say this in an appropriate way that others would not only understand but would want to come back and read more. I think you have to check in with both. The heart is important, but the things that need doing need a brain to think the process to the end. I have decided this is a marriage of brain and heart the brings this to the world wide web. After all, the heart is the expressions of life. Right? Our heart is how we feel and the brain tries to make sense of it, at least my brain does. It is king of like marriage. I am a feeling being. My husband is a thinking kind of guy, as many men are. So his brain is always trying to figure out what my heart is trying to say. I hope. That isn't to say that he doesn't feel, although he has been accused of that. It's just that the brain makes things so understandable. Maybe. Our communication is not what it could be. I try so hard to think and understand what he is saying, which isn't too much of a stretch. The hard part comes when I try to talk to him. I have to tell a story, explain things, illustrate the dam point to death. By the time I am done and I say "do you get it?" He is snoring or off doing his man thing in the garage somewhere. I have been known to be angry about this a time or two, (or three). He on the other hand thinks it in his head and that is that. "what do you mean? Of course I told you". Around and around it goes. Communication between married folks can suck. The truth is I like men. I mean, I would rather sit in a room full of men and listen to them talk about politics, than try to talk to any woman about anything. I enjoy their logic, and their candor. I like the way they smell, at least the ones that shower. So why is it so hard when you are married? I don't have any wisdom for this. None that I would dare say. Would I do it again? I would have to say, if I could know the great people that are my kids without being married, I would not get married. But someone, somewhere decided that we needed each other, if only for the sole purpose of bringing life to this planet. So to the brain that isn't too aware of my heart, I say, "may life improve. That as we go along you will learn the language of emotion, and I will learn the logical way that you are, even if you don't say a word.

A Beautiful Self

I;m not sure of the date on this, the time was 11:47am. I'm fairly certain it was 2011 right around Christmas time, I reference snow and my friend Jon that I met after we returned to the Pacific Northwest in 2010. During the past few months I have gone through an emotional fire. I say that and as I read it, the words I speak minimize the journey. At least to me. Let's see if I can convey my experience so as to be an encouragement to others. As a recovering Adult Child of Abuse and Addiction, I hit a wall of sorts. Al-Anon and all other 12 Step porgrams teach of a "higher power". I was troubled by so many aspects of it. I didn't trust any organization that taught of God or something out there in the universe that controls or "has a plan" for me that I can't influence or have some say so in. I have t0o much history with controlling Dieties and invisible powers that give human men the idea and power to abuse and mistreat others, women, children and and other men in the name of God. Step 2 in 12 step work deals with the understanding of this higher power. I hated the idea and stopped going. As soon as I did, one more layer of the pain that I have stuffed deep down for 30+ years reared it's ugly head. Thanksgiving was so hard and Christmas was unbearable I had a dream about a fellow human that had abused me in the name of God. I had chosen to believe that I was to blame and was responsible and that I could just repent and the pain would heal. I believed it was a mutual emotional connection. I was not only sooooo wrong I was devastated to realize this and had to admit to myself that it was abuse. I had scars., deep ones. This was one the reasonse I could'nt accept the idea of a higher power. The others were abuse from my father, and older brother as well as church leaders that had harmed my kids. (my Mother Bear is over the top). So many things in life can bring us to our knees. This one didn't. I became aware of the reason and the wall. So here is how it healed. And I mean healed in a real tangible way. I volunteer at the local hospital twice a week. On some Monday's I shadow a man I have become close friends with. His name is Jon. He is 76, and the most self-aware person I have ever met. He talked to me about things that were so personal, I was taken back at first and then I was able to open up to him. He gave me a book that I believe anyone in a recovery program could gain healing from. It is called, "The Tranformative Power of Pain" by Robert Mark Alder. It is an easy read in that it is broken into small one and two page sets, or chapters. At one point he talks about getting in touch with who we really are. The way he explained it poured into me like Niagara Falls! Every religion has a name for it. Mormons call it the "intelligence", Christians call it "The Kingdom of God", Jews call it "Nagila", Hindus call it, "The Atman, or the Pure Buddah Nature", Islam, "Qalb" Other names are "the God within, Consciousness, Awareness, the Heart, and the Self". As I read these words I was healed. In this place We are very peaceful. We're powerful, clear. We are happy. We are Love, We know. We see design and beauty and intelligence and love in all things. We have compassion for all things We understand that we are not running life and have no desire to run it because God is running it just fine. There is no need to think too much about anything so our minds are quiet when we are in this place. Perfect quietness in this place. When we are in this place, we are experiencing the highest essential innermost nature. To get the soul totally right is to become established in this state. Ralph Waldo Emerson says it best: "The highest revelation is that God is in every person." I had heard these things before. Each time I was blocked by this wall of pain regarding God. This beautiful self as I have come to call it is untouched and unharmed by the dark and loathsomeness of life. In this place is healing. We all have this place. Even if you don't believe it, It is there and even if you are unaware, or resistant or even like I was adamant that is isn't possible, It is there and influencing your life. In my quiet time my intention now is to go to my Beautiful, Powerful Self. there is no pain there, only peace and pure Love, yes even inside me! I can smile and laugh and play now. The pain is finally dissipating, like the snow that fell last night when the sun thouched it with it's warmth and light. Peace is growing in my soul. I have a Higher Power, it is ME, my Beautiful Self!

I found this today. It doesn't have a date on it but I am fairly certain this was written in 2010 or 2011. This is to my Thaddeus. "Today I woke up the the realization that another one of my babies had grown up enough to leave home. How did I come to this realization you ask. Didn't I know from the start that it was going to happen? Does anyone ever look at their innocent baby ond dream of the day they announce to you that they are leaving your protective loving arms to go out into the scary big cruel work and make a life for himself? I think not. It sneaks up on you almost like the flu! Before you know it BAM! They are taking their SAT'S, applying for college, getting a job. It catches you so unaware. This time I was not paying close enough attention. It caught me like someone had hit me hard in the stomach with a support beam! He sent me a Facebook message announcing that he would be moving into his girlfriends house with her, her dad, and his other friend that had trouble in their family and left home, on Friday at noon. So least he gave us some warning, right? He said that he couldn't stand living here anymore and I get that. I remember being his age and just wanting my own life. Eugene and I probed for a long time in tears and pleading why he felt like he couldn't just wait till after graduation. I think we got through to him without pushing, to be his best self, to find his passion in life and go for it. He did. He loves computers. He loves to put them together and make them hum. I love that excitement in his face whn he make his first mother board. It was awesome. He made it light up with his initials. For his senior project he learned how to make the codes that companies use to protect their software from pirating. You know the 16 or 20 digit numbers on the package? That one. To me he is a genius. He is great at math and loves the stock market game. His dad took him for a weekend seminar about some stock investment education thing. I don't think I have ever seen him so fired up about anything. He has beautiful long fingers and learned to play the guitar faster than I have ever seen anyone. I will miss his music, He is really good. We have spent time with him, loved him, and enjoyed every moment of his life. Last night I lay awake remembering holding him as a baby. He loved to nurse and snuggle and be close. I loved it too. He is so beautiful and we had a special bond. I coud make him laugh betther than anyone and he loved to sleep right next to me. Those days are gone and now it's time to let him go. Grieving is hard. I went through this when my last son left home. I wasn't ready for that at all. I miss him terribly and he has been gone for a couple of years now. How do you put this into some kind of perspective and make sense of this kind of emotion. Why does a mother feel so deeply about their kids and how do you move through this grief? What is it all about anyway? I think the reasons change as time goes on. Starting a family for me was a dream come true. I didn't really know how to care for a baby all I knew was that I wanted them. 20 to be exact. More than anything in the world. After a while I got addicted the feel of pregnanacy, the baby moving inside you, and the sheer awe of the process. After my first divorce I spent 5 years of non-pregnant life. I was ready and wanted more kids. So I got married and had 7 more. I am a grandmother and watch my first kids doing what I did. I wonder if they understand w hat they are in for. This kind of separation is needed in their life and the more you love and care for them the harder it seems to me that it is to let them go. He is a good son, a great son, and a fine man. I am proud to have him in my life. It will be exciting to see his life unfold and watch him grow. I guess that is what is is all for, to keep the cycle of life in motionand emotion one day at a time." Now more than a decade later there is a gulf between us. We have grown apart. He blames me for instigating the fights between his dad and I. Preception is so skewed when you are a kid. But I am trying to find a common ground. Unfortunatley his father has married a woman hell bent on destroying that relationship so she can "be a better mother" to my kids. I pray he is not drawn into a false web of lies. He is prone to that. I miss him. I love him and pray that he will not be hurt by anyone else.

I deleted all of the posts from here back in 2013. I was embarrassed by the things that I wrote. They were personal. But they were from my heart. It was kind of a journal of sorts. So I decided to re-post them. I am 66 now and don't have anymore fucks to give about what other people think so here is goes.