A Beautiful Self

I;m not sure of the date on this, the time was 11:47am. I'm fairly certain it was 2011 right around Christmas time, I reference snow and my friend Jon that I met after we returned to the Pacific Northwest in 2010. During the past few months I have gone through an emotional fire. I say that and as I read it, the words I speak minimize the journey. At least to me. Let's see if I can convey my experience so as to be an encouragement to others. As a recovering Adult Child of Abuse and Addiction, I hit a wall of sorts. Al-Anon and all other 12 Step porgrams teach of a "higher power". I was troubled by so many aspects of it. I didn't trust any organization that taught of God or something out there in the universe that controls or "has a plan" for me that I can't influence or have some say so in. I have t0o much history with controlling Dieties and invisible powers that give human men the idea and power to abuse and mistreat others, women, children and and other men in the name of God. Step 2 in 12 step work deals with the understanding of this higher power. I hated the idea and stopped going. As soon as I did, one more layer of the pain that I have stuffed deep down for 30+ years reared it's ugly head. Thanksgiving was so hard and Christmas was unbearable I had a dream about a fellow human that had abused me in the name of God. I had chosen to believe that I was to blame and was responsible and that I could just repent and the pain would heal. I believed it was a mutual emotional connection. I was not only sooooo wrong I was devastated to realize this and had to admit to myself that it was abuse. I had scars., deep ones. This was one the reasonse I could'nt accept the idea of a higher power. The others were abuse from my father, and older brother as well as church leaders that had harmed my kids. (my Mother Bear is over the top). So many things in life can bring us to our knees. This one didn't. I became aware of the reason and the wall. So here is how it healed. And I mean healed in a real tangible way. I volunteer at the local hospital twice a week. On some Monday's I shadow a man I have become close friends with. His name is Jon. He is 76, and the most self-aware person I have ever met. He talked to me about things that were so personal, I was taken back at first and then I was able to open up to him. He gave me a book that I believe anyone in a recovery program could gain healing from. It is called, "The Tranformative Power of Pain" by Robert Mark Alder. It is an easy read in that it is broken into small one and two page sets, or chapters. At one point he talks about getting in touch with who we really are. The way he explained it poured into me like Niagara Falls! Every religion has a name for it. Mormons call it the "intelligence", Christians call it "The Kingdom of God", Jews call it "Nagila", Hindus call it, "The Atman, or the Pure Buddah Nature", Islam, "Qalb" Other names are "the God within, Consciousness, Awareness, the Heart, and the Self". As I read these words I was healed. In this place We are very peaceful. We're powerful, clear. We are happy. We are Love, We know. We see design and beauty and intelligence and love in all things. We have compassion for all things We understand that we are not running life and have no desire to run it because God is running it just fine. There is no need to think too much about anything so our minds are quiet when we are in this place. Perfect quietness in this place. When we are in this place, we are experiencing the highest essential innermost nature. To get the soul totally right is to become established in this state. Ralph Waldo Emerson says it best: "The highest revelation is that God is in every person." I had heard these things before. Each time I was blocked by this wall of pain regarding God. This beautiful self as I have come to call it is untouched and unharmed by the dark and loathsomeness of life. In this place is healing. We all have this place. Even if you don't believe it, It is there and even if you are unaware, or resistant or even like I was adamant that is isn't possible, It is there and influencing your life. In my quiet time my intention now is to go to my Beautiful, Powerful Self. there is no pain there, only peace and pure Love, yes even inside me! I can smile and laugh and play now. The pain is finally dissipating, like the snow that fell last night when the sun thouched it with it's warmth and light. Peace is growing in my soul. I have a Higher Power, it is ME, my Beautiful Self!