I found this today. It doesn't have a date on it but I am fairly certain this was written in 2010 or 2011. This is to my Thaddeus. "Today I woke up the the realization that another one of my babies had grown up enough to leave home. How did I come to this realization you ask. Didn't I know from the start that it was going to happen? Does anyone ever look at their innocent baby ond dream of the day they announce to you that they are leaving your protective loving arms to go out into the scary big cruel work and make a life for himself? I think not. It sneaks up on you almost like the flu! Before you know it BAM! They are taking their SAT'S, applying for college, getting a job. It catches you so unaware. This time I was not paying close enough attention. It caught me like someone had hit me hard in the stomach with a support beam! He sent me a Facebook message announcing that he would be moving into his girlfriends house with her, her dad, and his other friend that had trouble in their family and left home, on Friday at noon. So least he gave us some warning, right? He said that he couldn't stand living here anymore and I get that. I remember being his age and just wanting my own life. Eugene and I probed for a long time in tears and pleading why he felt like he couldn't just wait till after graduation. I think we got through to him without pushing, to be his best self, to find his passion in life and go for it. He did. He loves computers. He loves to put them together and make them hum. I love that excitement in his face whn he make his first mother board. It was awesome. He made it light up with his initials. For his senior project he learned how to make the codes that companies use to protect their software from pirating. You know the 16 or 20 digit numbers on the package? That one. To me he is a genius. He is great at math and loves the stock market game. His dad took him for a weekend seminar about some stock investment education thing. I don't think I have ever seen him so fired up about anything. He has beautiful long fingers and learned to play the guitar faster than I have ever seen anyone. I will miss his music, He is really good. We have spent time with him, loved him, and enjoyed every moment of his life. Last night I lay awake remembering holding him as a baby. He loved to nurse and snuggle and be close. I loved it too. He is so beautiful and we had a special bond. I coud make him laugh betther than anyone and he loved to sleep right next to me. Those days are gone and now it's time to let him go. Grieving is hard. I went through this when my last son left home. I wasn't ready for that at all. I miss him terribly and he has been gone for a couple of years now. How do you put this into some kind of perspective and make sense of this kind of emotion. Why does a mother feel so deeply about their kids and how do you move through this grief? What is it all about anyway? I think the reasons change as time goes on. Starting a family for me was a dream come true. I didn't really know how to care for a baby all I knew was that I wanted them. 20 to be exact. More than anything in the world. After a while I got addicted the feel of pregnanacy, the baby moving inside you, and the sheer awe of the process. After my first divorce I spent 5 years of non-pregnant life. I was ready and wanted more kids. So I got married and had 7 more. I am a grandmother and watch my first kids doing what I did. I wonder if they understand w hat they are in for. This kind of separation is needed in their life and the more you love and care for them the harder it seems to me that it is to let them go. He is a good son, a great son, and a fine man. I am proud to have him in my life. It will be exciting to see his life unfold and watch him grow. I guess that is what is is all for, to keep the cycle of life in motionand emotion one day at a time." Now more than a decade later there is a gulf between us. We have grown apart. He blames me for instigating the fights between his dad and I. Preception is so skewed when you are a kid. But I am trying to find a common ground. Unfortunatley his father has married a woman hell bent on destroying that relationship so she can "be a better mother" to my kids. I pray he is not drawn into a false web of lies. He is prone to that. I miss him. I love him and pray that he will not be hurt by anyone else.