To Friend or Not to Friend

This was written August 2nd, 2010 at 10:35am. I went walking this morning and got to thinking about how hard it is to make friends without the help of a church or a job. I am a Stay at home mom and don't really have an outlet to be friends with anyone. So I go to Starbucks on Saturday mornings to see if there is perhaps someone there to be friends with. Well first off, you have to have your head out of the crossword puzzle long enough to notice anyone and you have to speak up. Both of those things are nearly impossible for me to do. I have to force myelsf to speak out and share myself. I have gotten into trouble before whenever someone has noticed me and they were a "wolf in sheeps clothing". It hurts to be lied to, so I tend to not speak and I get super absorbed in my crossword puzzle. It isn'thelping. I am terribly lonely. I need to make friends somewhere along the way. I have tried to reconnect with old friends and that doesn't seem to do me any good. They are nice for a few emails and then say, "if you are ever in my neighborhood look me up!". What neighborhood are you in? That is when I know it is a brush off. So I am thinking about going to the Mormon church on Sunday to see if I was wrong about leaving. I really don't believe what they believe. I am not sure what I believe any more. But this much I do know they have and incredible social structure. I need social structure. So even though it has been 3 years since I was there, it was my key to sanity. Very predictable, the same everywhere and I miss that. I don't have any of that in my life. iI live with an adult child of 2 Alcoholics, so I live with the remnants of the disease. I give it a capital A because it has a capital place in my life. I ti snuts most of the time. YOu can't predicet with any amount of certainty what life will be like when they are around. This disease hates stability in any realm and relationship. Mine doesn't type, it is too predictable. He can't organize anything and he can't keep regular hours ever. So I am craving stability. Craving somekind of normalcy and the Mormon church with all it's lies is at least stable. Would it hurt me to go? I don't think so. But so much for thinking about God the way I want to! Maybe life, or God would help settle it all down. Maybe I should go to school in the fall. That would be stable. Regular class times, homework, deadlines. Reading, learning, and maybe some people I could be friends with.