Dear Eugene,

Dear Eugene, I am writing this here because I don't have any better way to communicate that you will hear and understand. We have been together for nearly 24 years. That is a long time. I imagine that folks that have been together as long as we have find a pattern of life that is familiar. Like the people you told me about when we were dating. You know the ones, the old couple that were to gether and didn't need to talk to communicate their thoughts, they just seemed to know. Well, I wonder if you knew these people if you would find that the silence was born out of frustration. I wonder if they had grown so tired of trying to talk to each other that ignoring one another was a better option. The silence was peace and the quiet represented a respite from an otherwise horrible storm. I find these days that my hope of being married to a man that loves and cares and is interested in my life, has truned into a gray hopelessness. I have been shown the horror of abuse and neglect. It is what I was accustomed to growing up. I remember the angry tirades that my dad went into, then the trip to the ER for a shot. Then the apology around the dinner table. The pattern of emotional and physical abuse is a way of life that I despise above every other horrible thing in this world. Unfortunately it is all we know. You see, we have been doing the same thing in our relationship for the last 24 years. The fight, the accusations, the bitterness and the anger. The yelling and the name calling, the lack of trust that has grown and the fear. The massive, out of purportion, huge, all encompassing fear. It has kept me hostage and has destroyed my sense of self. Fear has been my constant companion and my protecotor. It has kept the boogey man from attacking my heart and making me hurt again. The fear isn't keeping you from abusing me. It isn't keeping you from yelling at me for no reason. It isn't stopping you from calling me filthy names and making accusations that are completely unfounded. Fear isn't stoping you from abusing me. You know what the worst part of the cycle is? The honeymoon phase. You kow the time when you apologize and get all cheery and nice. When you say thank you and please, help with the dishes and pick up after yourself? Then there is the sex. I know now that it is only a matter of a week or so after that, that you will start to get tense and cranky and then after a week of that the explosion happens. Well it only took a day to get it going this time. I have tried to detach, hide in the bathroom, go for a walk, sleep at a hotel. I tried to break the cycle. But it had to complete for you. Doors were broken down, you followed me, and screaming the whole time. I understand that you don't do it on purpose. I understand that you grew up in a pretty sick environment. So did I. You learned all of this from your parents, me too. You are not to blame. Our job now is to stop the cycle. Find a way out. It hurts me, and our kids. How much I can't measure. No one can change the past, we can only focus on the future. On what we want. Our life and our happiness and our marriage depends on it. I believe the 12 steps hold some of the answers, because the root of our problems lie in a bottle of booze, In a joint, a muchroom, in mteth and perscription medication. Find a path that works, keep at it. I need you to, the kids need you to, You need you to. I will be taking my own advice and work on my own issues. I promise to be tireless in this pursuit. I hope you will see clearly that we need to change. I love you, with my whole life. I am reaching for the stars here. I pray you will be too. R:-)

Kids and Other Stuff

I had a conversation with my older son last night. We haven't spoken or talked for quite a while. He has been angry at Eugene for the stuff he suffered while he was growing up. So I shared with him about Al-Anon and the disease of alcoholism.There is a family history of it on Eugene's side. My father was a drug addict. My son told me that he suffers with the same thing, which I already knew. Hopefully he will get to a meeting and get involved with the healing process. I think he will find that it wil help him be more successful in his life if he can recover from growing up in such a disfunctional home. I want to share the meditation program that I use here. I got permission from Centerpointe which is the company that produces it. It is called Holosync. The idea is that you listen to some kind of sound waves. it resembles the same brain wave patterns that you make when you meditate. I am quite resistant to change and a bit of a control freak. So getting to the different levels takes me a long time. But I believe it is working. I am feeling less and less manic depressive. I can just be a watcher of my thoughts and my life. Its so important to do that. It is where change really starts to happen. Just to watch means that the focus is on me. I learn to look deeply at myself and be open to the good, bad and the ugly. That is after all what recovery does. It show you the truth about why you are so miserable and what exactly needs to change for you to be happy. It comes with a set of CD's that have Bill Harris teaching life principles on it. He is kind of "heady" if you will, and I don't care for his personality. The things that he says, however, are good. For instance, I have heard over and over that what you focus on you create. For some reason I never could hear that and apply it to my situation. This weekend, for some reason, I heard it. not only that, I saw myself do it. I was cranky, I needed coffee. I was snarling and couldn't focus on anything but how much I hated my life, my husband the feeling of being so trapped. Eugene called me out. I was acting like an alcoholic. I couldn't see it. I said all the mean things I was thinking and thank goodness he doesn't listen anymore. But I was watching myslef. Now that doesn't mean I could change it. I didn't think my attitude was what needed changing. Then it hit me. I was focusing on what I didn't want. I was acting out the belief that I am not loveable. My parents and family drilled that into me all my life. It isn't what I want. It isn't what I work so hard for. What I want is to be loved. In order to be loved I must first be loveable. Change is a process, focusing on what I want can bring that change from the inside out. I deserve to be loved, happy and enjoying life. I'm gonna focus on that. R :-)

New Awareness

This post in the new year. Which one I'm not sure. Now that Christmas is over, I thought I would spend some time updateing my blog. I wondered if anyone really reads this stuff which kind of gives me a freeedom to express things I don't otherwise let out. It has taken me years to be able to put my thoughts on paper. Technology has a lot to do with that. My brain and keyboard can get into sync and that makes it even more fun. Then there is what to write. How do I decide in this vast emptiness I call my brain, what is good to share and what to keep to myself. How exactly do I say this in an appropriate way that others would not only understand but would want to come back and read more. I think I have to check in with both. The heart is important but things that need doing need a brain to think the process to the end. I have decided it is a marriage of brain and heart that brings this to the world wide web. After all the heart is the expression of life, right? Our heart is how we feel and the brain tries to make sense of it. at least my brain does. I am a feeeling being. My husband is a thinking kind of being. So his brain is always trying to figure out what my heart is saying. Hmmm, no struggle there! LOL! That isn't to say that he doesn't feel, although he has been accused of that. It's just that the brain makes things so understandable. The heart just feels everything, even if it doesn't make sense. Our communication is not what it could be. I try so hard to think and understand what he is saying. When I try to talk to him I have to tell a story, explain things, illustrate that dam point to death! By the time I am done and I say,"do you get it?" He is snoring or off doing his man thing in the garage somewhere. I have been known to be angry about this a time or two,(or three). He on the other hand thinks it in his head and that is that. "What do you mean of course I told you", and around and around it goes. Communication between married folds can suck. The truth is I like men. I mean, I would rather sit in a room full of men and talk politics, than try to talk to any woman about anything. I enjoy their logic and their candor. I like the way they smell, at least the ones that shower. What I don't care for is their boyish humor. Bodily functions are not funny. So why is it so hard when you are married? I don't have any wisdom for this. None that I would dare offer. Would I do it again, I would have to say if I could know the great people that are my kids without being married, I would not get married again. But someone, somewhere decided that we need each other, if only for the one purpose of bringing life into this world. So to the brain that isn't too aware of my heart I say, may life improve, that as we go along you will learn the language of emotion, and I will learn the logical way that you are, even if you don't say a word. R :-)

Rivers and Path's

I am in the River of Change. Right now the water is deep, a little cold, but relatively calm. I'm in the middle, between the banks and looking this way and that. I do see the current getting a little busier, with maybe even a waterfall ahead. Rapids are approaching. Do I ride the waves or swim to shore? People say, "go with the flow!" like it's some kind of warm, fuzzy thing to do that will bring you enlightenment. They don't tell the truth about the River. When you jump in the river, what is the experience I am looking for? Where do I focus my "floating". In the middle where the water is deep, or by the shore where it is shallow and a little warmer? The idea is that you let the River take you. There is a pool at my local community center. It has a small area they call the River Walk. It is a circle and there is a current. For people looking to improve their fitness they walk against the current, usually in the center of the circle. They have a purpose, a goal and use the river as a tool. There is a predictable pattern of resistance.That resistance creates an environment for improved strength and stamina. What if you just want to "go with the flow"? It's still measurable and consistant flow of water. My experience is that if you choose to go with the flow, you are a victim to the water. It can take you, and do to you whatever it wants. In the community river, I put this to the test. I let go, I floated without resistance. I hit the wall, hard. Bruised my shoulder and knees, and of coarse bumped my head. They weren't serious injuries, but I got the point. I wasn't any stronger for my effort in fact the opposite is true. I was wounded and a little broken. Sometimes we read these "memes". and put far too much energy into them. If you make a decision to jump into a river, or choose a path, do it with intention, purpose and a goal. There is going to be resistance. That is a good thing! Resistance makes us stronger, more aware of the pitfalls, or waterfalls if you will. I think it can make you map a coarse and decide how to navigate obstacles, rapids, trends, and water depth. Path's are different. Usually there is a map already created with all of the obstacles and pitfalls lined out for you. Choosing this way to go through life is predicatble. I didn't choose the predictable path I chose the river. I got wet, I have scars, emotional, physical and spiritual bruises. I bumped into the wall, navigated a couple of waterfalls and life has been an amazing journey. I have loved, the water engulfed me and washed me clean. I have felt excrusiating pain, when I hit the bottom of the falls. I have felt the rediculous joy of giving birth, of raising children, of seeing them succeed. Now my life is changing, I am stepping out of the river and choosing a more predictable path. At any point in time we can change how we do life, and we can change over and over again. Non of us is a victim. Things happen that we can't predict, No matter what path we take, the point is how we deal with it. We always choose.

To Friend or Not to Friend

This was written August 2nd, 2010 at 10:35am. I went walking this morning and got to thinking about how hard it is to make friends without the help of a church or a job. I am a Stay at home mom and don't really have an outlet to be friends with anyone. So I go to Starbucks on Saturday mornings to see if there is perhaps someone there to be friends with. Well first off, you have to have your head out of the crossword puzzle long enough to notice anyone and you have to speak up. Both of those things are nearly impossible for me to do. I have to force myelsf to speak out and share myself. I have gotten into trouble before whenever someone has noticed me and they were a "wolf in sheeps clothing". It hurts to be lied to, so I tend to not speak and I get super absorbed in my crossword puzzle. It isn'thelping. I am terribly lonely. I need to make friends somewhere along the way. I have tried to reconnect with old friends and that doesn't seem to do me any good. They are nice for a few emails and then say, "if you are ever in my neighborhood look me up!". What neighborhood are you in? That is when I know it is a brush off. So I am thinking about going to the Mormon church on Sunday to see if I was wrong about leaving. I really don't believe what they believe. I am not sure what I believe any more. But this much I do know they have and incredible social structure. I need social structure. So even though it has been 3 years since I was there, it was my key to sanity. Very predictable, the same everywhere and I miss that. I don't have any of that in my life. iI live with an adult child of 2 Alcoholics, so I live with the remnants of the disease. I give it a capital A because it has a capital place in my life. I ti snuts most of the time. YOu can't predicet with any amount of certainty what life will be like when they are around. This disease hates stability in any realm and relationship. Mine doesn't type, it is too predictable. He can't organize anything and he can't keep regular hours ever. So I am craving stability. Craving somekind of normalcy and the Mormon church with all it's lies is at least stable. Would it hurt me to go? I don't think so. But so much for thinking about God the way I want to! Maybe life, or God would help settle it all down. Maybe I should go to school in the fall. That would be stable. Regular class times, homework, deadlines. Reading, learning, and maybe some people I could be friends with.

Eat Pray Love

This post was early 2012. The Movie with this title is pretty popular and because I like the book better than the movie, I read the book first. I wasn't disappointed. So here are my thoughts. I have been reading the book lately, I can't put it down and yet sometimes I need to. It is the single most powerful book on healing I have read. Here is an excerpt: "Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face first and full speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the maening of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our soul, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity: it would be...a prudent insurance policy." "I'm tired of being a skeptic, I'm irritated by the spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by the empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water." It completely unhinges me how every religious person thinks they have the answer and it is their job to tell everyone else they are wrong. Mind your own business let us all find God for ourselves. Besidees isn't it the most intimate personal relationship you can have? You are NOT invited anymore. I want to think and believe all for myself. Who doesn't? I get so caught up in the thick of thin things. I am going to take some time to pull myself together and do just that. Think for myself. I do love to meditate, I love to eat, and I love to love. But how it all makes life more beautiful and peaceful and work all at the same time, I don't know yet. Maybe life isn't supposed to work. Maybe it is just supposed to be whatever it is. So do I move, do I learn, do I grow? I don't know if I am supposed to do any of those things. But I am going to because that is what makes me smile, laugh and sing. That is what makes the sun warm and the rain clean the air and the ocean `inspire and ground me all at the same time, and the desert blooms kiss my heart like a butterfly lighting on a daisy, action, movement. That is the way I want my life to be. So that is what I am going for. Is connecting to God the answer? Is that all there is to the process? "Be Still and know that I AM God!" In the meantime there will be trials, pain and heartache. Shit will happen. But I think that is part of the whole lfe experience and how unimaginative of God to be so boring not to include it. I love it. I am embracing it, just today, right now, in this very moment. Tomorrow when the rain comes who knows, all this enlightenment might fall around me. The fun part is that I can get it back again, and again and again.

Marriage Musings

I renamed this. It was originally called New Awareness. As I read it through it needed a new name. Originally posted in 2011. Now that Christmas is over, I thought I would spend some time updating my blog. I wonder if anyone really reads this tuff, which kind of gives me a freedom to express the things I don't usually share. I has taken me years to be able to put my thoughts on paper. Technology has a lot to do with that. My brain and the keyboard can get into sync and that makes it even more fun. Then there is what to write. How do I decide what to share and what to keep to myself. How do I say this in an appropriate way that others would not only understand but would want to come back and read more. I think you have to check in with both. The heart is important, but the things that need doing need a brain to think the process to the end. I have decided this is a marriage of brain and heart the brings this to the world wide web. After all, the heart is the expressions of life. Right? Our heart is how we feel and the brain tries to make sense of it, at least my brain does. It is king of like marriage. I am a feeling being. My husband is a thinking kind of guy, as many men are. So his brain is always trying to figure out what my heart is trying to say. I hope. That isn't to say that he doesn't feel, although he has been accused of that. It's just that the brain makes things so understandable. Maybe. Our communication is not what it could be. I try so hard to think and understand what he is saying, which isn't too much of a stretch. The hard part comes when I try to talk to him. I have to tell a story, explain things, illustrate the dam point to death. By the time I am done and I say "do you get it?" He is snoring or off doing his man thing in the garage somewhere. I have been known to be angry about this a time or two, (or three). He on the other hand thinks it in his head and that is that. "what do you mean? Of course I told you". Around and around it goes. Communication between married folks can suck. The truth is I like men. I mean, I would rather sit in a room full of men and listen to them talk about politics, than try to talk to any woman about anything. I enjoy their logic, and their candor. I like the way they smell, at least the ones that shower. So why is it so hard when you are married? I don't have any wisdom for this. None that I would dare say. Would I do it again? I would have to say, if I could know the great people that are my kids without being married, I would not get married. But someone, somewhere decided that we needed each other, if only for the sole purpose of bringing life to this planet. So to the brain that isn't too aware of my heart, I say, "may life improve. That as we go along you will learn the language of emotion, and I will learn the logical way that you are, even if you don't say a word.